Doughnut Rules of Acquisition – Standard Practices

I found the following document in one of my old archives. I thought I would share. Enjoy.

DOUGHNUT ACQUISITION STANDARD PRACTICES

DEPARTMENTAL INSTRUCTIONS

[ Company Name ]

Document Number D0N4T-COMPANY

Effective Date: [insert date here]
Table of Contents

1.0 PURPOSE 3
1.1 SCOPE 3
1.2 DOUGHNUT COORDINATOR 3
1.2.1 COORDINATOR APPOINTMENT 3
1.2.2 COORDINATOR QUALIFICATIONS 3
1.3 DOUGHNUT FUND 3

2.0 DESCRIPTIONS AND STANDARDS 3
2.1 DEFINITIONS 3
2.1.1 DOUGHNUT TYPES 3
2.1.2 DOUGHNUT QUANTITIES 4
2.2 DOUGHNUT PURCHASES 4
2.2.1 DOUGHNUT QUALITY 5
2.2.2 DOUGHNUT QUANTITY 5
2.3.1 DOUGHNUT OBLIGATIONS 5
2.3.1 REWARDING OCCASIONS 5
2.3.2 PENALTY OCCASIONS 6
2.4 DOUGHNUT EXCEPTIONS AND CLARIFICATIONS 6

3.0 DOUGHNUT CONSUMPTION 6
3.1 DOUGHNUT PARTITIONING 7
3.2 EMPLOYEE CONDUCT 7
3.3 EATING HABITS 7

4.0 FAILURE TO COMPLY 7

1.0 PURPOSE

The purpose of this document is to outline those principles which shall henceforth govern the responsibility acquisition and consumption of doughnuts.

1.1 SCOPE

These procedures shall apply to all personnel employed by  [Company Name]. Exceptions will be made on an individual basis by submitting the proper application ( Form I-M-CHEEP ) to the currently appointed doughnut coordinator. All procedures contained within this document are effective from the published date of this document.

1.2 DOUGHNUT COORDINATOR

Doughnut procedures shall be enforced by a duly appointed doughnut coordinator. It shall be the coordinator’s responsibility to ensure that every employee complies with the directives contained herein. The doughnut coordinator shall have the final decision in all interpretations and judgements concerning doughnut situations unless his decision directly conflicts with written procedures or supervisor mandates.

1.2.1 COORDINATOR APPOINTMENT

The doughnut coordinator is a volunteer position. Any [ Company Name ] employee may volunteer as long as he meets the qualifications outlined in the following section. In the event that more than one employee volunteers for the position a vote shall be taken to determine the doughnut coordinator. In the event that no qualifying employee volunteers for the position, a vote shall also be taken to appoint one. The vote shall be a secret vote, rather than simply verbal vote or show of hands. This is to prevent the future doughnut coordinator from taking any vengeful actions ( i.e. forcing to bring in doughnuts for a week ) against persons voting against or for him. Tie votes shall be decided by the tossing of a coin.

1.2.2 COORDINATOR QUALIFICATIONS

To serve as doughnut coordinator the following qualifications must be met. He must have worked at [ Company Name] for at least six months. He must be in good standing with his supervisor. He should have good leadership and decision-making skills. He should have a tendency towards greed and gluttony.

1.3 DOUGHNUT FUND

Each group shall maintain a special doughnut fund. Several doughnut-worthy occasions are not significant enough to warrant the purchase of doughnuts. If an employee finds himself in this position he is required to contribute to the group doughnut fund. The group supervisor shall have responsibility for the group fund and all contributions are to be mode to him, The doughnut coordinator shall make decisions regarding doughnut fund contributions according to the same principles that govern normal doughnut purchases.

2.0 DESCRIPTIONS AND STANDARDS

In order to eliminate confusion and prevent a substandard compliance in doughnut acquisition, the following definitions and standards shall be used in responding to any ambiguities that arise in regard to what comprises a doughnut. These standards shall also be used to measure the quality and quantity of doughnuts.

2.1 DEFINITIONS

DOUGHNUT – noun, a ring-shaped cake fried in deep fat. ( Also spelled DONUT’. )

2.1.1 DOUGHNUT TYPES

CAKE – as name implies, any doughnut of cake like quality.

COVERED – any doughnut which is topped with one or more of several toppings including chocolate, vanillas, coconut, and sprinkles.

ECLAIRS – an oblong chocolate-covered doughnut filled with vanilla.

FILLED – a doughnut without a hole that is filled with any of several fruit Jellies or creams. Usually glazed or powder-covered.

FINGER – any of the small bite-sized doughnuts.

FLAVORED – any doughnut, usually cake to which any one of several flavors has been added including cinnamon, strawberry and blueberry.

GLAZED – any doughnut which is covered with a clear sugar glaze.

HOLES – any of the tiny spherical doughnuts.

POWDERED – any doughnut which is covered with a light layer of confectionary sugar.

TWISTS – any doughnut formed by twisting two strands of dough together.

YEAST – any of the lighter doughnuts with consistency of a white bread.

2.1.2 DOUGHNUT QUANTITIES

Doughnuts can be purchased in a range of numbers, The following are the most common groupings.

ONE – This number should be selected when purchasing specialty or unpopular doughnuts, This amount is also useful when purchasing doughnuts for the purchaser only. However, though it is not explicitly stated in these procedures, any person who has taken the trouble to go purchase doughnuts should be severely criticized for being selfish and only buying doughnuts for himself. The one exception of course is the doughnut coordinator, since greed constitutes a quality needed to properly fulfill his tasks.

FIVE – This amount is the usual packaging grouping of the small finger doughnuts. As in buying only one doughnut, an employee should be discouraged from buying these tiny packages unless he shows unhealthy decreased doughnut dependence.

TWELVE – Also known as a dozen, this is the most accepted unit of doughnuts. However, employees are encouraged to purchase several dozen doughnuts when possible.

THIRTEEN – Also known as a bakers dozen’. This packaging amount unfortunately has become hard to find recently. Continued patronage should be given to any institution that continues to package doughnuts in this amount.

2.2 DOUGHNUT PURCHASES

The following guidelines, by which all doughnut acquisitions are to be made, shall be adhered to by all employees when purchasing doughnuts. Personal preferences are allowed for when purchasing doughnuts. The employee who purchases the doughnuts has the option as to the place of purchase, the type of doughnuts bought, and the number of doughnuts purchased. The doughnut coordinator shall have no authority in this matter. However, his influence, as well as the influence of other fellow employees can have a substantial effect on the purchasing of doughnuts. Employees are allowed to voice their opinions and grievances about doughnut purchases within limits of violence and repression. If an employee is brought to his knees crying, then too much pressure is being placed on him, and his work is liable to suffer. If an employee continues to purchase inferior doughnuts, a discussion with his supervisor is recommended.

2.2.1 DOUGHNUT QUALITY

Doughnuts should be purchased from a reputable doughnut house. A list of government approved doughnut dealers ( Publication US-R4-FOOD ) may be obtained from the appropriate source. Generally, doughnuts obtained from a super-market or pre-packaged by a national bakery can be considered of lesser quality than the local bakery variety. Day old doughnuts, while still acceptable are also less acceptable than fresh doughnuts. A broad range of doughnuts should be purchased rather than all of one type. A good standard is four to six (4-6) of each of the more popular types with one or two of some of the more unpopular doughnut types. Substitutions, such as cakes and cookies, are acceptable as long as the substitutions are of equal or greater quality.

2.2.2 DOUGHNUT QUANTITY

The number of doughnuts purchased shall be decided by the employee purchasing the doughnuts. A limit shall be placed on the number of doughnuts an employee may purchase at one time. No employee shall be allowed to spend more than one-half of one week’s salary on doughnuts per day. This is to discourage over-enthusiastic employees from spending all of their pay-check on doughnuts. However, all over-time pay may be applied to the purchase of doughnuts. A good standard is two ( 2 ) doughnuts per person.

2.3.1 DOUGHNUT OBLIGATIONS

The following guidelines shall be used by the doughnut coordinator in determining when an employee is obligated to bring in doughnuts. No correlation has been specified as to the importance of the events listed below and the number of doughnuts to purchase. This relationship should be decided by a general agreement between the employee purchasing the doughnuts, the doughnut coordinator, and the rest of the group. Suggested quantities and comments are stated beside each listed accession. These lists are by no means exhaustive. The doughnut coordinator shall have the authority to decide whether an occasion is significant enough to warrant doughnuts.

2.3.1 REWARDING OCCASIONS

PAY INCREASE – in accordance with the amount of increase, one-half (½ ) dozen doughnuts per 1000 dollar increase.

PROMOTION – two ( 2 ) dozen doughnuts, unless the promotion is to a supervisory position in which case three ( 3 ) dozen is more appropriate.

SECURITY
CLEARANCE – two ( 2 ) dozen doughnuts.

ENGAGEMENT – one ( 1 ) dozen doughnuts. A good standard is the bigger the ring, the more the doughnuts.

MARRIAGE – two ( 2 ) dozen unless the employee is being married for more than the fourth ( 4 ) time. In such case, all other employees shall bring in doughnuts for him as compensation.

NEW BABY – two (2 ) dozen unless the employee is having more than the twelfth ( 12 ) child. In such case, all other employees shall bring in doughnuts for him and he shall be sent home with the doughnuts to feed his family.

NEW HOME – two ( 2 ) dozen doughnuts.

NEW CAR – 1.5 dozen doughnuts.

OTHER MAJOR PURCHASE – one ( 1 ) dozen doughnuts.

SPORTS WIN (PROFESSIONAL) – one dozen doughnuts. The exception is the Chicago Cubs, They win so seldom that any fan is required to bring in three ( 3 ) dozen doughnuts.

SPORTS WIN ( NON-PROFESSIONAL) – 0.5 dozen doughnuts.

DIVORCE – left to the discretion and opinion of the divorcee.

BIRTHDAYS – no employee shall be required to bring in doughnuts on his birthdays. This is particularly true if the employee is over 40. In such case, other employees should consider bringing I doughnuts. ( See FOOD FRIDAY. )

2.3.2 PENALTY OCCASIONS

TARDINESS TO GROUP MEETINGS – fifty ( 50 ) cents shall I be donated the group doughnut fund.

TARDINESS TO WORK – any tardiness which has not been approved by the supervisor is excusable only if the employee was purchasing doughnuts.

2.4 DOUGHNUT EXCEPTIONS AND CLARIFICATIONS

The following rules shall apply to the acquisition of doughnuts.

HOLIDAYS – Doughnuts brought in on a holiday do not apply towards fulfilling any doughnut responsibilities. However, employees are encouraged to bring in doughnuts when required to work an holidays to ease any frustration they may feel about being asked to work on their days off. It is recommended that they imagine that someone else has brought in the doughnuts for them, as this generally contributes to employee satisfaction.

FOOD FRIDAY – Doughnuts brought in on Food Friday do not apply towards fulfilling any doughnut responsibilities. Doughnuts brought in on Food Friday fall under the jurisdiction of the Food Friday procedures as described in document FOOD-FRID-8-BNT.

WEEKENDS – Doughnuts brought in on weekends shall only apply towards the fulfilling of doughnut responsibilities when more than one-half ( ½ ) of the employee’s group is present on the day that the doughnuts were brought in.

ALTERNATE SHIFTS – Doughnuts brought in on alternate shifts shall only apply towards the fulfilment of doughnut responsibilities if more than one-half ( ½ ) of the employee’s group are present on that shift. The doughnuts shall also apply if the employee leaves work after his shift is over and returns with doughnuts at the start of the new shift.

3.0 DOUGHNUT CONSUMPTION

Every [ Company Name] employee has the responsibility to show a small amount of discipline and reserve when consuming doughnuts. The following Guidelines shall govern the consumptions of doughnuts.

3.1 DOUGHNUT PARTITIONING

The number of doughnuts consumed by any one employee shall be determined by the number of doughnuts purchased. A good standard is two doughnut per employee; however, this is not required. An employee should be discouraged from stuffing his mouth and then filling his pockets as well. Generally, any employee needing a sack to carry away his portion o doughnuts is consuming more than he should of the available resources. When two or more employees have claimed rights on the last doughnut, a doughnut tug-of-war is not an effective method of dealing with the problem. If the employees can not reach an agreement as to the ownership of the doughnut, the doughnut coordinator shall decide to whom the doughnut belongs.

3.2 EMPLOYEE CONDUCT

Employees shall not wait for the doughnuts at the building entrance or at any point from the building entrance to the desk on which the doughnuts are placed. Attacking the purchaser of the doughnuts as he enters the workplace is strictly forbidden. Screaming in delight at the sight of doughnuts is also forbidden. Climbing over desks and chairs is forbidden unless no other suitable route can be found to reach the doughnuts.

3.3 EATING HABITS

Doughnuts are a limited commodity. Therefore each employee should endeavor to obtain maximum pleasure from each doughnut consumed. Eating slowly is highly recommended. Several special procedures apply to certain types of doughnuts. Powdered doughnuts should not be eaten while talking to someone unless a drink is also being consumed. This is to prevent the consumer from spraying powder all over the other employee. Likewise powdered doughnuts should not be consumed while working on important documents. No one enjoys reading a snow-speckled report. Fruit-filled doughnuts shall be consumed with a napkin or similar jelly-catcher in hand. Employees are to begin consumption of fruit-filled doughnuts from the fill hole so that jelly does not squirt out all over other employees. In order to maintain professional appearance employees should not allow any portion of the doughnut to remain dribbling from or clinging to their mouths, for more than three 3 minutes. Any portion of the doughnut which attaches itself to the employee’s clothing is to be removed at the next available opportunity.

4.0 FAILURE TO COMPLY

Failure to comply with these procedures shall constitute immediate disciplinary action from the employees supervisor. The doughnut coordinator should bring to the supervisors attention any employee who continues to fail in fulfilling his doughnut responsibilities or who abuses his privileges by consuming doughnuts in an improper manner. The [ Company Name] is committed to providing a quality working environment for its employees. Therefore, these procedures shall be enforced. Every employee has, the moral responsibility to ensure that every employee is following the standards defined. Occasional doughnut audits shall be authorized by the [ Company Name] management if it becomes apparent that an audit is necessary. These audits are to ensure that all procedures and any changes that may be made to procedures are being strictly adhered to. The doughnut audit shall be named Doughnut Understanding Maintenance ( DUM ) ( The name does not make much sense, but it forms good acronym. .) Changes to these standards are effective immediately. Updates to this document outlining any changes shall be made no later than one year after the change becomes effective.


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